Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

What’s Going On?!

Hello? Does anybody still read this thing? We had a pretty eventful summer, and I honestly just didn’t feel like writing anything. But for the last couple of days I have. So here’s what’s been happening. Most definitely NOT listed in order of importance.

It’s Monday. I haven’t had a soda since Saturday evening. I don’t have a headache (yet), and I don’t want to kill anyone (yet).

Mr. Bingley has decided that maybe he won’t eat. He looks so skinny and pitiful. For the last two weeks his highness had deigned to eat hamburger and honey nut Cheerios. But starting yesterday, not.

My wonderful Grandma died in June. It was great for her, she was ready. And I know she’s with God and Grandpa and so happy. I’m still sad.

I told the husband yesterday that we weren’t going to eat out for 30 days. To his credit, he nearly kept a straight face. And he didn’t fall on the floor, and roll around in hysterical laughter.

Speaking of the husband, the DMV made him get a new picture on his license. I’m quite sure he will be getting frisked much more often at the airport. He looks like a serial killer. I’m not kidding. They had him take off his glasses, which somehow caused him to look at the camera with those runaway bride crazy eyes!

We went to Branson for vacation this summer with the husband’s side of our family. We had a great time. One caution: you might want to rethink Branson as a destination if you are a foodie. I’m not, but I was continuously disappointed with the food. The rest of the family thinks I’m nuts.

Shortly after Branson, my beloved father in law died. He had lung cancer and it spread. To be very frank and extremely crass, cancer sucks donkey balls.

Buddy had radiation treatments for his two cancers. We found out last week that he now has lung cancer. 6-12 months. Please refer to my thoughts on cancer above.

We had my mother in law and my fourteen year old nephew stay with us for 10 days. We really had a great time. My nephew is also our God child and it was lovely to spend some time with him.

My mother in law came to visit again with her sister and mother. Also a great time. They had never been to this house before and we loved having them. My mother in law is a very easy house guest, and so were her sister and mother.

Have you ever had your house guests show up while the cleaning people were still cleaning? Just wondering…

Yesterday was the first time in my entire life that I drank almost an entire cup of coffee! I should also add that there was no cream or sugar of any kind. Does this mean I’m all grown up?

I really want a Coke. I love Coca Cola so much that I would marry it and have it’s babies. Except that I’m already married, and I apparently can’t have babies, and you can’t marry soda pop (yet). ;)

Speaking of babies, one of my dearest friends gave birth to a long awaited baby girl. Abby is in the NICU, and improving. Please include baby Abby in your prayers.

Speaking of babies and cancer. Remember when one of my little sister’s ovaries was obliterated by a tumor earlier this year? Well, the other one works! She’s expecting! Take that cancer!!!

My brother’s wife is about to give birth to baby number 8! And it’s a girl. I love buying girl clothes! This will be the fifth girl. I keep trying to convince my brother that he needs a house with more bathrooms and a very large wedding fund. He thinks he needs port a potties and a convent. ;)

The stupid radio station that used to carry the Dave Ramsey show live here in Dallas changed formats and dropped Ramsey for Mike Huckabee. So annoying. So stupid. I’m talking about the station, not Huckabee. I don’t know about him. I don’t listen.

Mr. Bingley will be 13 years old at the end of November (if he will just eat!). So, he might actually outlive Buddy, who is 4 or 5 years his junior. And he has already outlived Mr. Darcy, who was 1 year younger. I sometimes imagine that somewhere in his tiny, stubborn brain Mr. Bingley is thinking, “That’s right biaatch, you keep trying to get me friends that I don’t want, and I’m going to outlive them all!”

I have done almost no gardening for the past two summers. For some reason funerals and cancer and drought do not inspire me.

I have also done almost no home improvement projects this entire summer. But I’m getting the itch again, so I’ll take that as a good sign. Now if I just had all that money back that I spent on radiation, I’d be set.

To all three people who might read this: What have you been up to? Thanks for reading!

Overheard

I haven’t been blogging a lot lately. I seem to have lost my motivation. I have no idea why. It’s been running through my head for several days that I have lots of short, funny snipets of life floating around in my head. So if you were a fly on the wall at our house, here is some of what you might have heard:

Me to the husband as he’s trying to swat at a bug at the top of our two story foyer: Darwin award, Darwin award! You are seriously going to die and get a Darwin award!

Me: Where did I put our old radio, boom box thing?
The husband: I have no idea where you stash things. You’re like a squirell. (said with very attractive facial expressions supposedly mimicking my squirrelness)
Me: You suck! (said without heat)
The husband: No, you suck! (said back in the same manner)

Me to anonymous: You may never eat the Drunken Master ever again.
Anonymous: Hey! That’s not nice!
Me: It’s not me that’s not nice. It’s the smell!

Me to the husband over the phone: Buddy has a malignant tumor, called a spindle cell tumor on his leg.
The husband: What the hell is with all the cancer?!

Me to the husband via text message on Tornado Tuesday: Thunder shook our house and rang our doorbell. We have no TV/phone/Internet service. I think we may have been hit by lightning.
The husband: You’ll be fine. Go put on your bike helmet.

AT&T technical support phone person: It says here that the technician went to your home at 6:38 PM and you were unavailable. Also he called two numbers and got no answer.
Me: Did he call our home number? It doesn’t work, that’s part of the reason he’s was called out! What? That’s not my cell number! I don’t know who’s number that is! I was here from 4 to 8, no one came!
AT&T: Well he says he did. And also, you should know that they can show up and hour later or an hour earlier than their official window.
Me: YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT THIS CRAP IS WHY PEOPLE HATE THIS COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me to the supervisor: I live in a gated neighborhood and they keep track of who goes in and out and what time. He never even came in the neighborhood. Just Fed Ex me a new modem. I don’t want that liar in my house. Thank you.

Me to Mr. Bingley: Mr. Bingley, you have to calm down and stop trying to hump everything (mostly Buddy and dog beds)! I’m going to start calling you “Humpy”.
Me to the husband: Mr. Bingley’s new found energy reminds me of those stories you hear about old men walking around nursing homes, showing everyone their junk!
The husband: laughs

I think I’ll stop here. If you actually made it to the end, you probably can’t take anymore. ;)

I Had A Very Serious Talk With Myself Today

About spending. Then the doorbell rang…

I guess it’s lucky for my feet that I didn’t have that talk last week. ;)

General Anesthesia, Endometriosis and Happiness

What’s up buttercups? I’ve been laying low this week because I had laparoscopy last Friday. Everything went really well, and I was lucky enough to not really have much pain. Today is the first day that I can say for sure that the nagging shoulder pain and ribcage pain is gone. If you’ve never had such a surgery or known someone who has: they blow extra air into your body. It hangs around for a while after the surgery and causes irritation.

So anyway, I’m pretty happy because my recovery has gone really well. And they only found mild endometriosis. I assumed because of my hideous period pain every month and my barreness, that it would be much worse. So even though it might not explain the barreness, I’m happy to have it behind me and to not have to worry about it like I might if it had been a lot worse. Because that stuff will come back. Ugg!

I really dislike general anesthesia. Don’t get me wrong. I understand that I’m lucky to be alive at a time in history when it exists. But I hate how I feel coming out of it. And I get really freaked out before surgery that I’m not going to wake up!

What I am most happy about is a little ick to write about. So guys, you might want to stop reading here. :) The monthly pain seems to be at an end!!! People, if this is what normal women’s periods feel like, then all normal women need to get on their knees right now and thank God, their ancestors, and their uterus for this gift. I AM NOT KIDDING!!! If you have never had periods where you were so debilitated that you could not function, please understand that you have fellow human beings who suffer. They suffer very much. Be kind. Be sympathetic. It’s so much more awful than you can know if you haven’t been through it month after month, year after year.

So that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. I’m here, I’m feeling great, and halleluja for normal periods!

PS The husband was awesome about the surgery and taking care of me. Thanks, honey! Mr. Bingley (the turd!) wanted nothing to do with me for almost the entire day. Weakness and sickness are not causes for Mr. Bingley’s sympathy. All humans beware!

Sorry!

I apologize for yesterday’s post. I have a temperament that allows me to vent and feel better. But I didn’t really think about those of you who suck in all my negativity, and then feel worse. Anyhow, I feel awesome today, the sun is shining! How are you?

I’ve Got Nothing (As In Holiday Energy)

It’s ten days until Christmas and I’ve bought 8 presents. That total was 1 yesterday, until I went on a mad Amazon spree at 11:30 last night. I have no ideas for the rest of my people. This is a bit unusual. I tend to have at least a glimmer of something bouncing around in my head.

I had to tell my old neighbor last week about Mr. Darcy. I usually talk to her a couple of times a year, and I realized when her Christmas card came that I hadn’t told her yet. She sent us a really sweet card this week with a cute picture of Bingley and Darcy.

I hesitate to write about this on here, because it’s not anything to do with me (except all the crying I do when I read her posts). But… please read the blog An Inch Of Gray. You can find it on my sidebar. Anna has always been amazing, and she continues to be, while dealing with the death of her son. I don’t have any idea how she’s doing it, but she’s even sending out thank you notes. She included a wonderful prayer and picture of her sweet boy.

You know those nice sonograms they show on TV when there’s a show about pregnancy? Well if you are infertile special like me, you get an alien probe a special sonogram. I won’t go into anymore details. I’m sure you get the picture. Seriously, will the indignities never cease?!

The week before Thanksgiving, I forgot my haircut appointment for the third time in as many years. It’s very embarrassing that I have wasted Andrea’s time. The first two times felt slightly less horrible, because I had actually messed up while putting it in my calendar. This time was the worst because it was in the calendar. But you have to actually look at the calendar for it to work!

The worst news of all these days is that my father in-law is sick. He has lung cancer. Please pray for him that his treatments go well. We’d like to have him around for a long time to come.

All righty then! Aren’t you glad that you took the time to read my whining? It’s so bad, I should try to write a country song. ;)

The 24/7 Princess

Princess Cara

This is my niece Cara. She believes that she is a true princess. And a true princess wears her crown 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That’s right people, she sleeps in that crown! As my very wise sister in-law says, “Choose your battles.”.

Cara is so into her princess persona that she will not smile. And she most definitely will not look away if you dare to look upon her with your lowly peasant eyes. She beat my sister’s college friends in a staring contest at the wedding, while being totally silent. They were cracking up and freaking out a little at the same time. :)

And here is what she thought of the husband and his camera:

How dare you point that mechanical device at me! I will not smile!


I will not smile! I will not look away!


Fine! Here's a smirk. That's all you get!

This kid cracks me up! I can’t wait to see what she does over the Thanksgiving holiday.

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