Archive for the ‘Shameless Confessions’ Category

Overheard

I haven’t been blogging a lot lately. I seem to have lost my motivation. I have no idea why. It’s been running through my head for several days that I have lots of short, funny snipets of life floating around in my head. So if you were a fly on the wall at our house, here is some of what you might have heard:

Me to the husband as he’s trying to swat at a bug at the top of our two story foyer: Darwin award, Darwin award! You are seriously going to die and get a Darwin award!

Me: Where did I put our old radio, boom box thing?
The husband: I have no idea where you stash things. You’re like a squirell. (said with very attractive facial expressions supposedly mimicking my squirrelness)
Me: You suck! (said without heat)
The husband: No, you suck! (said back in the same manner)

Me to anonymous: You may never eat the Drunken Master ever again.
Anonymous: Hey! That’s not nice!
Me: It’s not me that’s not nice. It’s the smell!

Me to the husband over the phone: Buddy has a malignant tumor, called a spindle cell tumor on his leg.
The husband: What the hell is with all the cancer?!

Me to the husband via text message on Tornado Tuesday: Thunder shook our house and rang our doorbell. We have no TV/phone/Internet service. I think we may have been hit by lightning.
The husband: You’ll be fine. Go put on your bike helmet.

AT&T technical support phone person: It says here that the technician went to your home at 6:38 PM and you were unavailable. Also he called two numbers and got no answer.
Me: Did he call our home number? It doesn’t work, that’s part of the reason he’s was called out! What? That’s not my cell number! I don’t know who’s number that is! I was here from 4 to 8, no one came!
AT&T: Well he says he did. And also, you should know that they can show up and hour later or an hour earlier than their official window.
Me: YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT THIS CRAP IS WHY PEOPLE HATE THIS COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me to the supervisor: I live in a gated neighborhood and they keep track of who goes in and out and what time. He never even came in the neighborhood. Just Fed Ex me a new modem. I don’t want that liar in my house. Thank you.

Me to Mr. Bingley: Mr. Bingley, you have to calm down and stop trying to hump everything (mostly Buddy and dog beds)! I’m going to start calling you “Humpy”.
Me to the husband: Mr. Bingley’s new found energy reminds me of those stories you hear about old men walking around nursing homes, showing everyone their junk!
The husband: laughs

I think I’ll stop here. If you actually made it to the end, you probably can’t take anymore. ;)

Skimpy Curtain Disease

I don’t recall if I have mentioned this before, but this house is the my first foray into curtains. I’ve learned a lot through reading and observation since I first installed curtains a few years ago. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I have skimpy curtain disease. And I’m not the only one, the blogosphere is rife with this affliction. I’m not going to name names. I wouldn’t want to start some sort of drapery McCarthyism. ;)

One of the small home improvements I have been doing is to try and eradicate skimpy curtain disease. Here is my progress so far:

family room before & the late great Mr. Darcy


family room after

master bedroom before


master bedroom after

What do you think? I still have a ways to go, but I think I have skimpy curtain disease on the run. Do you have skimpy curtain disease? Do your friends and relatives? Does it drive you nuts?

Dear Lord, What Have We Done?

Why do we do stupid things when deep down, we know better? Why? Why? Why? What stupid thing, you ask.

Buddy aka Fatty aka Monstro


On Friday, the husband and I agreed to foster a golden retriever whose owner is in the hospital. We didn’t know when we agreed that he weighs 125 lbs. As in 55 pounds more than Mr. Bingley!!! As in the fattest, hairiest golden retriever that I have ever had occasion to meet! In fairness, he is also very sweet. But he has that abandoned dog thing going where he is starving for attention. And he shoves three toys in his mouth all at once. And if I try to throw a different toy to Mr. Bingley, he drops his three and grabs Bingley’s.

I keep imaging that Mr. Bingley is thinking, "What are you lookin at? You just ruined my life."


The photo above may look like one of Mr. Bingley sitting in the yard. In actuality, it is of Mr. Bingley, drugged out, dragging his hind quarters around the yard. About 20 minutes after Buddy arrived on Saturday, he and Mr. Bingley got in a little skirmish. Bingley did not win. Bingley’s body has been in arthritic spasms most of the time since then. I took him to the vet last night and got him a pain shot and some Tramadol to add to the Carprofen. We think he may not like how the Tramadol makes him feel, thus his drunken weaving around the house and yard for most of the day. Even in his drugged out state, he is very careful to avoid the giant, hairy monster.

So anyhow, I don’t know what we are going to do. I don’t want to send Buddy to yet another place. But I also can’t have Mr. Bingley in a deep depression. I keep trying to think of the positives: Buddy does his business outside, he doesn’t destroy the house. He doesn’t jump or bite. He’s super sweet and friendly.

Gigantor


Then there is the other side: Buddy refuses to go into the crate we got. Buddy is super fat and has no idea how big he is. Buddy has no respect for Mr. Bingley’s position in the house. Mr. Bingley is so sad.

I’ll keep you posted on how things are going. I hope everyone has a great week!

General Anesthesia, Endometriosis and Happiness

What’s up buttercups? I’ve been laying low this week because I had laparoscopy last Friday. Everything went really well, and I was lucky enough to not really have much pain. Today is the first day that I can say for sure that the nagging shoulder pain and ribcage pain is gone. If you’ve never had such a surgery or known someone who has: they blow extra air into your body. It hangs around for a while after the surgery and causes irritation.

So anyway, I’m pretty happy because my recovery has gone really well. And they only found mild endometriosis. I assumed because of my hideous period pain every month and my barreness, that it would be much worse. So even though it might not explain the barreness, I’m happy to have it behind me and to not have to worry about it like I might if it had been a lot worse. Because that stuff will come back. Ugg!

I really dislike general anesthesia. Don’t get me wrong. I understand that I’m lucky to be alive at a time in history when it exists. But I hate how I feel coming out of it. And I get really freaked out before surgery that I’m not going to wake up!

What I am most happy about is a little ick to write about. So guys, you might want to stop reading here. :) The monthly pain seems to be at an end!!! People, if this is what normal women’s periods feel like, then all normal women need to get on their knees right now and thank God, their ancestors, and their uterus for this gift. I AM NOT KIDDING!!! If you have never had periods where you were so debilitated that you could not function, please understand that you have fellow human beings who suffer. They suffer very much. Be kind. Be sympathetic. It’s so much more awful than you can know if you haven’t been through it month after month, year after year.

So that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. I’m here, I’m feeling great, and halleluja for normal periods!

PS The husband was awesome about the surgery and taking care of me. Thanks, honey! Mr. Bingley (the turd!) wanted nothing to do with me for almost the entire day. Weakness and sickness are not causes for Mr. Bingley’s sympathy. All humans beware!

Confessions Of A Bad Blogger

I’ve had a lot going on lately. But I haven’t been blogging. I find this to be very odd, since I get annoyed when the blogs I read don’t have a new post nearly every day. Don’t you just love a double standard?!

Here’s what I’ve been up to in the last couple of days:
1. I’m considering this Dwell Studio fabric for curtains in the dining room:

2. I picked up this shelving unit at a consignment store last week. It won’t be staying in the dining room. I have some ideas for where to put it upstairs.

3. Mr. Bingley decided that today was the day to christen the living room. He threw up in two spots! At least it wasn’t on the area rug. :)

4. I finally styled the built in cabinets in the living room. I actually did it over a month ago, but since I’m a bad blogger…

5. I spent some time and money today making all the under sink cabinets in my full bathrooms look like this:

So that’s a little slice of what’s going on here. What’s going on with you?

PS I have absolutely no Halloween decorations up, or even fall stuff. I’m kind of a loser on that score. On the other hand, less crap to store the rest of the year.

Interesting Reading

So, I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately. But at least I know that I’m in one. That’s pretty important because it helps me to realize that my reactions to things might not be “spot on” as the Brits would say. That has translated into a lot less blogging, because I’m not sure that I want to write what is in my head. Does that make sense? The other frustrating thing is that there is absolutely no reason for this funk. I have a very lovely life. Earlier this week I read this post over at Dooce, and a little light bulb went off. Please don’t be concerned for me. I am lucky enough not to be quite as severely affected as Heather is. But it’s awesome that she writes about it so honestly. And it connected the dots for me about how I’ve been feeling with how much I hate the fact that it gets darker earlier. I REALLY REALLY hate it. After thinking about this for a few days, I started wondering where the sunniest places to live are. Here is a list compiled by FindYourSpot.com. I was extremely surprised to see Topeka on the list as well as a few others. I found a different site that says Dallas only has 135 sunny days per year. That is less than I thought, but only 1 day less than Grand Junction, CO which made the list. So I think the list might be a little incomplete and subjective.

On to more amusing topics…

My friend Erika told me about the honey badger videos on You Tube a few weeks ago. Since that time, the honey badger has been busy and is now shilling for pistachios. They really have a pretty funny ad campaign going. While I think many of them are funny, I really like the commercial featuring The Winklevi. I’m guessing that they might not like being called The Winklevi, but it’s such an awesome name that I can’t be blamed for loving it. Go here to watch the commercials I mentioned. If you are completely unfamiliar with the honey badger’s previous work, just search You Tube.

I was listening to NPR the other morning and they were talking about how Putin is campaigning to be president of Russia…AGAIN. That’s right, he of the former KGB and he of the eyes that so famously lied to GW, wants to be officially in charge again. To that end, he has taken to traveling with his own photographer to document his manly and heroic life. the Atlantic has a great piece on it. This guy is unbelievable. And the fact that we as Americans cannot understand the Russian public’s willingness to buy his BS and put him in office again (although some would argue he never left), is more proof that we are incapable of understanding other cultures, and therefore incapable of the nation building that we have undertaken. Okay, back to amusing: Did you see all the bare chested photos?

Little Miss Cranky Pants

The late, great Mr. Darcy, getting his cranky on.

While talking through a recent difference of opinion big fight with the husband, I was informed that over the last year or so, I have become a bit less easy going. I then recalled that some other people who shall remain nameless, have decided that my temperament has some elements of Phlegmatic in it. (I totally disagree, btw. :)) But maybe that was their way of explaining my cranky pants.

After the conversation with the husband, I freaked out in true drama queen fashion, and decided that I must have a tumor. At this point, the husband apparently decided that I had not been upset enough, so he said, “You don’t have a tumor! You’re just getting old!”. Great. Thanks. Listen buddy, just because you’re a few months younger than me doesn’t mean you get to throw around the O word.

This getting less willing to put up with crap and be easy going is not a good development for several reasons.
1. I’ve never really been a push over (possibly, giant understatement). So having that trait increase in intensity, probably translates into something in the bitch on wheels category. Not exactly what I’m shooting for.
2. Life is less fun when you can’t be easy going. Uptight means less laughter. Less laughter equals less fun. Bleh!
3. Never mind. Number three would just reinforce the whole cranky thing.

Has this happened to you? Have you found yourself less able or willing to just let things slide? Were you able to reverse the trend? Advice, please!

Sincerely,
Miss Cranky Pants

Monday Morning Confessional

Don’t worry, my priest gets the juicy stuff. ;)

1. We ate bread and rice on Sunday. This is abnormal for us these days. But we were a bit weary of salads, and grilled meat. It was nice to have a little treat, and someone may have also had a couple of margaritas.

2. My kitchen is a mess. I don’t think it’s been completely spotless for a couple of weeks. Every time I get back to just respectable, I cook a big meal and it all goes to hell again. I guess since I didn’t have to cook dinner on Sunday night it should be clean right now. Yeah right!

3. I have been behind on laundry for months. It’s not all dirty. In fact, the vast majority is clean but not put away. And even though I have a ginormous closet, I don’t think there is room for everything. The consequences of not purging clothes when we moved three years ago along with my yo-yo weight are coming home to roost. I am aware that it’s annoying for people to whine about having too much. But it really is a problem and I know I’m not the only one.

4. My left foot is messed up. I have been having pain and discomfort in the ball of my foot for weeks. So I’m going to see a podiatrist. I have never done this before. I hope they don’t try to tell me that my feet are all wrong and that I need thousands of dollars worth of inserts, etc… Because I can assure you I will be finding a different doctor for my foot if that happens.

5. The windows are all in, but they still have to be trimmed and painted on the inside and siding has to replaced and painted on the outside as well. I have no idea how many more days I will be stuck at the house all day. What do people do when both couples work full time? Does someone have to take vacation to have work done on their house? I am trying to always remember to thankful for my blessings.

6. I just finished Rob Lowe’s autobiography, “Stories I Only Tell My Friends”. I am surprised at how good his writing is, and how much I like him. Or at least the him that he reveals in this book. He has led a pretty amazing and complicated life. It’s a good read and I would definitely recommend it.

7. We have a partial season ticket package for a minor league baseball team. We have missed every single game so far this season. This is completely unusual for us. And I don’t even want to think about what a waste of money. No tickets next year…

8. My sister in-law just had her after pre-school caregiver fink out on her with barely more than a week’s notice before school starts. And the woman did it over text message! Can you even believe how completely despicable and gutless some people are?! And I think this person even goes to the same church they do. I’m glad it’s not me because I would be very tempted to to be not nice (Yes, I have to go to confession A Lot. Why do you ask?). Luckily for the fink, my sister in-law is very sweet.

9. Have a great week and enjoy the last days of summer!

I’m Opening My Big Mouth About…

Politics

I live in Texas. I really like living in Texas. I’m a registered Republican. I don’t actually like the Republican or Democratic parties. I should probably become an Independent. The Republican Governor of Texas is Rick Perry. He’s an idiot. I must confess to having voted for this idiot. But that doesn’t mean you should repeat my mistake. Or God forbid, compound it, by making him President of the United States.

On the surface, it would seem that Pecos Perry and I agree on a lot of things. And you have to admit, he has great hair. But you need to look beneath the surface. And I’m afraid that there’s not much functioning brain matter beneath all that awesome hair. Or at least, functioning the way we would all like.You know, Honest, forthright, blah, blah, blah… Speaking of presidential candidates and hair – Did we learn nothing from John Edwards A.K.A. Silky Pony? Good hair equals not trustworthy. ( I get a real kick out of all the reporters on those NPR round tables who are still reeling in shock over the fall of John Edwards. More proof that reporters who cover DC should be exiled to the middle of the country once every couple of years, so they can pull their heads out of their @$$*$!)

Seriously, if the criteria for President of our great nation is now solely to provide great material for SNL, then Perry is your man. Late last year I saw him speak at an event. I left convinced that he was not right in the head. Or possibly other things that I’m not sure I can say. I hoped that because he was in the middle of his book tour, that it was just exhaustion. But it was pretty squirrely behavior for exhaustion. And isn’t being President a hard and exhausting job? I mean they always visibly age really fast from all the stress. What if he behaved that way while representing our country? Don’t get me started about red phones and buttons attached to bombs!

For you Republicans out there who thought you might have found your man, I have some research for you. Start searching on the internet for the Trans Texas Corridor. The important issues having to do with this nightmare are the use of imminent domain to swipe land and even to wipe entire towns off the map. Also, Perry gave the rights to run the road and all businesses along the road to a European company (Spanish I believe). This company also happens to be a contributor to Perry’s (gubernatorial) campaign. Another campaign contributor was the pharma. company that developed Gardasil. Perry was going to mandate that every 5th grader in the state be injected with this drug. This was a couple of years ago, when we had even less info. about the side effects, etc… The entire state freaked out and stopped him. There should also be a great video floating around of him berating a State Trooper for pulling his car over and ticketing his driver, even though his driver was most definitely speeding. So this is all of the crooked, “I’m better than everyone” BS that I can come up with off the top of my head. If this is what an average housewife knows about, how much more is there that we don’t know? I’m willing to bet that it’s quite a bit. He’s also very easily led and tends to reverse positions 180 degrees at the drop of a hat.

Please, please, please look elsewhere for a candidate. If you don’t, Democrats – prepare to be gleeful. 2012 will be a very fun year for you. And do I have to put it in writing? I will. Having such a buffoon, even as a candidate, is not good for America.

Swimming

Hello! I’m 38years old, and I don’t really know how to swim. That’s right, I’m a wee bit scared of the water. But it’s not nearly as bad as when I flunked my lessons over 30 years ago. Or when I screamed my way through water babies (I’m told).

So in preparation for the big Hawaii trip, I started taking swim lessons today. My teacher says I did really well, but what is she going to say? You suck?! Yeah, right! I was feeling much more relaxed and confident by the end of the lesson. I consider that a win.

Speaking of swimming, there are some great posts up about swim suits right now. Check out the modern Mrs. Darcy and You Look Fab.

PS A big thank you to my friend, who is letting me use her backyard pool. Doing this without strangers staring at me is so great that I can’t come up with the perfect words to describe it. Thank you so much!!!

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