Posts Tagged ‘Whatever Jackass!’

A Dispute

The husband is annoyed about a teeny, tiny part of yesterday’s post: “Although, the husband seems to think there should be more empty rooms and more blank walls. Even when I get a great bargain, he still complains!” Those two sentences have renewed a fight discussion that’s been going on since August of 2008. That’s right people, 2008!

So here’s the deal: We sold our 3 bedroom, 2 bath home that we had lived in for 8 years. This home was an almost hour commute each way for the husband. We bought a much bigger home that is only a 20 minute commute each way for the husband. And I’m not lying about the commute time. People in the Metroplex actually lie about their commutes! It’s insane! You’ll be talking to someone at a party and they will tell the most outrageous lie with a straight face. Something like, “We live in (insert name of far flung suburb) and I work (insert name of somewhere at least 40 minutes away). My commute is 20 – 25 minutes. No problem.” I have actually become so disgusted that I now respond with, “On Sunday evening, maybe.” Or my all time favorite, “You’re on crack!”. There will be no denial of the crappiness of your life on my watch!

At the time we bought this house, the husband started proclaiming that since we were purchasing a home at the top of our budget, there would be a “Five Year Furniture Purchasing Moratorium”. I freely admit that he proclaimed this. But I never agreed. Life and marriage are not a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon. You can’t just proclaim things or make rules without the other person’s agreement (unless you are me – kidding). I further claim that the husband knew that I had not agreed. How, you ask? Whenever he brought up this craziness, I shut him down with, “Whatever!”. But I didn’t just say “Whatever!”. I said, (some of you are going to be scandalized) “Whatever, jackass!”.

Let’s be honest here. Most of you will have to admit that when you say “Whatever!” to your husbands, you really mean “Whatever, jackass!”. But they don’t know that unless you say it. They are not mind readers. So, it’s really much kinder to them if you just say it. That way there is no confusion. Those two words convey everything beautifully: 1. This discussion is over. 2. You’re wrong and I’m right. I’m sure it’s an abominable use of language. But it works. And I’m clearly not scholarly or a perfectionist when it comes to the spoken or written word. I do admit that you cannot go around calling your husband “jackass” all of the time. Especially, if you have little ones around. I think JA works, as long as he knows the meaning. I have been trying to reform myself, and use JA now. My success rate is about 50%.

We haven’t even discussed how crazy it is to buy a house that is more than twice the size of your old house, and expect your wife to not buy any furniture for FIVE YEARS. Looney tunes! Guess what doesn’t count as furniture, a new plasma t.v.. Shocking, isn’t it? But even bed linens do count according to the crazy man husband. Do your spouses do stuff like this? I can’t be the only one dealing with this!

Now that I have whined, moaned, complained and rattled on forever, I should say a few things. 1. Except for a few things, like his clinging to the furniture moratorium, the husband is amazing. 2. I have a very nice life, that I enjoy immensely. 3. The husband puts up with a lot, like this blog. And I appreciate it.